Archive for the ‘Project Management’ category

The Executive Singularity Project Management Methodology

April 24, 2014

Previously, I postulated that my employer had created a new project methodology called the Reality Free Project Management Methodology.  I think I’ve discovered the real project management methodology in use in my company: The Executive Singularity Project Management Methodology (ESPMM).

What is ESPMM and how does it work?

The Executive Singularity Project Management Methodology, at its core, is modeled on the gravitational singularity, or simple terms, the center of a black hole.  Armed with a semester of Quantum Physics (yes, I took quantum physics in college, but only because it was required) and a hastily read article on Wikipedia, I’ll explain how this works…

A Digression

A black hole is caused when a really massive star collapses on itself at the end of its life.  The gravitational force of this mass continues to pull in more mass, increasing the gravitational force.  At some point, the mass reaches a point where a gravitational singularity is formed.  The gravitational singularity is a point that has no volume, but contains the mass of the black hole, thereby having an infinite density.  Black holes also have an event horizon which is the last point before an object is pulled into the black hole.  Eventually, the gravitational pull is so strong that anything that passes the event horizon, even light, cannot escape.  As you approach the event horizon, time seems to slow down for anyone looking at you from quite a distance away, but to you, time continues as normal.  It has been theorized that it might be possible to exit a black hole into a different space-time.

What Does This Have to Do With Project Management?

Management kicks off a project.  They start to apply more and more pressure to the project.  As they do so, more and more requirements are added to the project, resulting in increased pressure.

Looking at the black hole model, one could say that the project requirements might represent the mass of the project, the resources allocated to the project would be the volume of the project, and executive pressure would represent the gravitational forces.

At some point, the executive pressure and the ever increasing number of requirements create what I term an executive singularity.  The executive singularity is a project that has no resources, but all of the requirements, thus achieving an infinite density.  The executive singularity would also have an event horizon which would be the point before something is pulled into the project and can never leave.

Practical Benefits of the Executive Singularity Methodology

From a management point of view, the Executive Singularity Methodology allows an ever increasing amount of requirements to be added to a project.  Once the singularity is created, management could only see anything up to the Event Horizon.  As a result, time would seem to slow down from anyone approaching the singularity which means that they should have plenty of time to deliver all of the requirements.  In fact, to management, far away from the executive singularity, time might appear to stop altogether for anyone trapped in the singularity, thus assuring 100% percent delivery of all requirements.

The Drawbacks to the Executive Singularity Methodology

The drawbacks to this methodology are only apparent to those who have been drawn past the event horizon and cannot escape.  For these unfortunates, time continues to function normally so there really is only twenty four hours in a day and seven days a week.  As a result, they realize that it’s impossible to meet the requirements of the project, but since they’ve passed the event horizon, there’s no way to communicate this to management.  In addition, the executive forces begin to twist and distort the participants.  It is theorized that it may be possible to pass through an executive singularity and come out in a different assignment, but to date, no proof has been found that this is in fact possible.  empirical evidence tends to show anyone trapped in an executive singularity is crushed by the weight of the requirements.   While this is certainly detrimental to the person crushed within the singularity, this is another benefit to management because it means less employees to pay.

Conclusion

I think I may have something with this theory and may look to publish a paper on it; perhaps it might win a No-Bull prize!  I’ll continue to collect empirical data and perhaps I might be able to pass through the singularity relatively unscathed.

I believe this accounts for the real reason why all of our projects at work really suck and no one else can see why.

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